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He tries to sell Gypsy treasure to telemarketers.

November 11, 2009

I really didn't have an appropriate image for this post. So take this one instead.

When dealing with telemarketers, there are certain “rules of engagement” followed by the regular population: We screen the calls, we say we aren’t home, we hang up before they get to the third Bell reference.

But, to LO, each time the phone rings and an obscure 1-800 number pops up on the call display, it’s like Christmas.

The first time it happened, we were in the kitchen.

The phone rings. The display spells out “telemarketer”. So LO picks it up immediately.

“Gypsy Caravan. Would you like to buy treasure?” he says in his best Borat impression.

It was obvious that the person on the other line was startled.

He started going into his sales pitch briefly, before being interrupted by LO with a rushed, “So, you buy treasure?”

It was the funniest thing to listen to over the speaker phone, because this person kept trying to be polite and refuse the treasure while trying to push the company’s product at the same time. Every time he would pause, LO would completely disregard the last two minutes of his speech and say something like, “If you buy treasure today, I give you good deal!” and the guy would struggle to swing the conversation back towards his product.

At the end of the conversation, it was the telemarketer who was trying to get off the line, and LO holding him on with his hilarious made-up phone infomercial. It was the first time I heard a telemarketer so eager to end the call.

After the success of this first phone conversation, LO became inspired to continue messing with telemarketers. The next time a lady called from a cable company, she asked him whether he has kids, and he said yes. The rest of the pitch went something like this:

Lady: “We have a great children’s programming package”
LO: “We tell our kids to go to their friend’s house when they want to watch TV.”
Lady: “What about internet? Who is your current provider?”
LO: “Oh, we just steal from the neighbor.”

He pretty much had a response to everything, and the conversation ended with him saying that he can’t commit to anything without first confirming with his wife because she would beat him up, then going into detail about his fake abusive relationship and the special ways in which his fake wife hits him. He then began screaming, saying “Oh, oh, she’s home! She’s coming!” then screaming into the phone and hanging up abruptly. When the lady got off the line, I wasn’t sure if she was going to continue making telemarketing calls or give a ring to some kind of police hotline. What really cracked us up was that the woman actually called back, and my mom picked up the phone. And probably said her husband wasn’t home (my dad was at work). Still not sure why there weren’t any cruisers at my door within the hour. 

Today, I can’t even count the number of times LO has creeped out or annoyed telemarketers.
I’ve heard him pretend to be an old lady on the phone.
I’ve heard him purposely confuse CIBC (a bank) with CBC (the television station) when a lady called to sell a credit card (she was super pissed when he kept going on and on about how it’s his favorite television station).
But my favorite, hands down, has got to be when a man from a duct-cleaning company called and LO told him that his services are not necessary because he just pays the neighbor’s son a few bucks to crawl through ours wearing a fuzzy sweater.
The reactions from these unsuspecting people have been so funny that I’m often holding my hand over my mouth when he’s talking to them, unable to control my laughter.
National Do Not Call List? Psft. Somebody should just hire him to answer calls.
One Comment leave one →
  1. November 27, 2009 3:40 pm

    His telephone antics remind me of an old roomate of mine who used to torment telemarketers. I remember one guy called trying to sell investments in gold. My roomate kept him on the phone a long time talking about how his uncle had told him to invest in wooden nickles. He then went on to talk about his fictitious family. He had told the telemarketer that his last name was something like “Carburator” and the TM asked him ow many children he had. “Oh, there are 5 or 6 little carborators running around the floor.” There was a pause,and the TM suddenly said, “5 or 6?! EVERYONE knows how many children they have!” He became pretty angry that my friend had been wasting his gold investment time.

    The telemarketer actually called back a couple of times with threatening phone calls. But they were things like, “I’m going to order a lot of pizzas to be delivered to your house and you’ll have to pay for them!”

    So maybe your boyfriend & my old roomate have the same mutant gene.

    Here are some of my observations about the world. I read your post on Observations, and thought LO might be interested in some of my own:

    – Eric

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