He tries to sell Gypsy treasure to telemarketers.
When dealing with telemarketers, there are certain “rules of engagement” followed by the regular population: We screen the calls, we say we aren’t home, we hang up before they get to the third Bell reference.
But, to LO, each time the phone rings and an obscure 1-800 number pops up on the call display, it’s like Christmas.
The first time it happened, we were in the kitchen.
The phone rings. The display spells out “telemarketer”. So LO picks it up immediately.
“Gypsy Caravan. Would you like to buy treasure?” he says in his best Borat impression.
It was obvious that the person on the other line was startled.
He started going into his sales pitch briefly, before being interrupted by LO with a rushed, “So, you buy treasure?”
It was the funniest thing to listen to over the speaker phone, because this person kept trying to be polite and refuse the treasure while trying to push the company’s product at the same time. Every time he would pause, LO would completely disregard the last two minutes of his speech and say something like, “If you buy treasure today, I give you good deal!” and the guy would struggle to swing the conversation back towards his product.
At the end of the conversation, it was the telemarketer who was trying to get off the line, and LO holding him on with his hilarious made-up phone infomercial. It was the first time I heard a telemarketer so eager to end the call.
After the success of this first phone conversation, LO became inspired to continue messing with telemarketers. The next time a lady called from a cable company, she asked him whether he has kids, and he said yes. The rest of the pitch went something like this:
Lady: “We have a great children’s programming package”
LO: “We tell our kids to go to their friend’s house when they want to watch TV.”
Lady: “What about internet? Who is your current provider?”
LO: “Oh, we just steal from the neighbor.”
He pretty much had a response to everything, and the conversation ended with him saying that he can’t commit to anything without first confirming with his wife because she would beat him up, then going into detail about his fake abusive relationship and the special ways in which his fake wife hits him. He then began screaming, saying “Oh, oh, she’s home! She’s coming!” then screaming into the phone and hanging up abruptly. When the lady got off the line, I wasn’t sure if she was going to continue making telemarketing calls or give a ring to some kind of police hotline. What really cracked us up was that the woman actually called back, and my mom picked up the phone. And probably said her husband wasn’t home (my dad was at work). Still not sure why there weren’t any cruisers at my door within the hour.