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He tries to hump mascots at the mall.

October 4, 2009

I imagine being a mascot is a pretty tough gig.

You’re wearing a hot, furry outfit for eight hours a day. You probably get pretty warm and it probably starts to smell in there after a while. You get a whole bunch of kids coming up to you – hugging you, having tantrums cause they can’t take you home, kicking you in the knees. You’re working all day at the mall. Or a fair. It really sucks when you need to go the bathroom. And you’ve also got to stand on your feet all day. I mean, have you ever seen a mascot sitting down on a chair? Me neither.

Then, a dude comes along.

He sees you, he makes contact with your googly eyes.

His face lights up. A goofy grin spreads all the way from his lips to his ears. He may or may not utter something along the lines of, “Ooooh!!”

He looks over at you once more, rubs his hands together like Mr. Smithers as he skips towards you. In the meantime, he motions over to a girl that is with him, shaking her head in a way that implies she knows what is coming, but that it is a force greater than her that cannot be stopped. Or killed. The guy screams out in a giddy voice, “Little, get your camera!!”


You start to get a little bit uncomfortable. Maybe a bead of sweat rolls down your giant furry forehead.

The guy runs over and, even before you can attempt to make a run for it, he’s holding you. Tightly. Pinching your cheeks. Or rubbing his face against yours. Or holding out your arms and attempting to dance with you. Or giving you the world’s biggest man-hug.

The girl takes a quick photo, a blurry one. She shifts her eyes, embarrassed, and stashes the camera back into her purse.

Then. He walks up behind you. Doesn’t do anything, just looks up at his girlfriend.

And terror fills her face.

She looks like she knows. Without any words. What he is about to do to you. This guy is getting ready to violate you, right in front of the entrance to Sears. And he wants a funny photo of it, to post on his Facebook page later.

You really start to wish you had taken that telemarketing job selling knives over the phone.

You close your eyes, waiting for the photo-op to be done with. But. You’re lucky today. Because the girlfriend, all red in the face and under the realization that she is surrounded by families with children, refuses to take the camera back out of her purse. She yells something back to the guy, along the lines of, “OMG! Come here!”

And when he doesn’t listen, she begins employing the same tactic you’ve seen parents employ on their three-year old kids when they, too, wouldn’t leave you alone. She starts slowly walking away, without looking back.

And, finally, the guy follows her.

Disaster avoided.

Here is your master shot – blurry as hell, because the girlfriend really wanted to move fast. And others like you who have fallen to his mascot lovin’ gaze:

19 Comments leave one →
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